Thursday, 10 January 2008

Platoon

Here's the refined poem, I have taken your comments into account about using the word 'the' less. It isn't hugely diffrerent but it should be a little better.


The gouging heat ripping apart,
Their final memories treasured in their hearts,
Blinding light dicing the air,
Shouts and screams combine with the glare,
Almighty is the noise of exploding shells,
This is the soldiers living hell,
Impressive trees withering through,
The godlike maiming force grew,
Their hearts have sunk the realisation of despair,
Losing the chance to finish their prayer.


I wrote this poem after seeing a poster of the film Platoon, and just wrote a poem about it. I dont really make up plans for poems I just kind of write them, and if anyone thinks I should use a plan for any other poems I might do.

3 comments:

thewhelkpicker said...

Personally I think this poem is really good. Would like to know a bit more about how you come up with ideas and your thought processes.

Mr Wallis said...

You don't necessarily have to have a plan, but it would be great to see your drafting process! ;)

There is potential with this poem. I think you need to look at the structure of it - try to be a bit adventurous, at the moment it is quite formulaic. Perhaps look at changing the beginning of some of the lines - 'the' is repeated a bit too often.

Re-examine it and maybe try to develop some of the images. A promising start

Kiba said...

Nice poem though you may want to experiment with not using "the" so often to start every line, it's just not neccessary in poetry. You did well to have every two lines rhyme without making your poem sound childish too. As for plans I've never planned anything I've written and I think it's turned out well enough though I'll admit they do help.